I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
