Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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