Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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