Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
