You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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