Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
