You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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