i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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