Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
