Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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