I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
