I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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