There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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