a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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