He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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