She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
