I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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