I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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