Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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