I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
