...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
