i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
