Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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