i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
