woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize