When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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