my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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