Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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