She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
