my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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