Jerry, you need to find god
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
