I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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