I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
