I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
In other news, I just burned my penis
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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