If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize