I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
