In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
