I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
