I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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