we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
