it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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