Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
