there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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