we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
