god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
