You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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