my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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