12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
