hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
