i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
