Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
