Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
