Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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