so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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