All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
