Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
