I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
