Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
