What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
