Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
