my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
