I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
