thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
