idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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